There is so much
greatness to be had.
When did you forget that?
My son, if I told you this
would you listen?
I think not, because I didn’t.
So I will wait for you
to figure it out
the only way you know how.
And it’s there
that you will remember
what life was like
before you chose to walk away.
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Another word to an unborn son
Some day
out of nowhere
your mood
will shift
from one hundred percent
to zero,
and you will feel sad
and you will feel weak
and you will feel vulnerable,
and that’s good
that’s natural
that’s life,
so get used to it,
it’s a beautiful thing
even when it hurts most.
The words I’d say to an unborn son.
If you’re not ready to let go,
then don’t.
Hold on as long as you need,
and then some.
These are words I’d say,
to an unborn son.
If it seems repetitive,
that’s good.
If it hurts in a hundred different ways,
it’s supposed to.
If you don’t want to smile,
let them see you frown.
These are the words,
I’d say.
Does it get easier,
at times.
Should you forget,
never.
Is it your fault,
no.
The words I’d say are these.
Life will kick your ass.
Love will break your heart.
Death will drug your senses.
With the strength of a mother’s love,
I would say.
You are your father’s child,
but make no mistake,
you are not your father.
I’m still dealing with your ghost.
Please stop reading if you’ve heard this before.
It’s been 15 years since.
And I’m still holding onto a ghost.
15 god damn years.
And I’m still crying in a coffee shop.
I wasn’t even 15.
And you sure as hell weren’t a Boy Scout,
so who tied the noose?
I want to know what type of knot you used.
It’s been 15 years.
And I want answers.
Answers that I’ll never receive.
I want an apology.
You son-of-a-bitch.
How embarrassed you must have been.
I wasn’t even 15.
And they don’t even know the half of it.
And here I am again.
Wasting my energy on this endless sadness.
Because you couldn’t hack it.
Towards the end they say you were over medicated.
Well it’s been 15 years.
And it’s probably the reason I don’t even like to take aspirin.
It’s just that over 15 years it’s been hard to explain.
Like when you come right out and say it.
He. Committed. Suicide.
Kids used to awkwardly laugh at first and then realize I wasn’t lying.
And suddenly everyone’s sorry.
Suddenly I have to act sad.
Or act like it’s fine.
Nobody wants to see you break down in front of them.
Nobody wants to know your whole life story.
15 god damn years and I’m blubbering like a baby.
Screaming at the top of my lungs – drunk.
So if you’ve heard this before please stop reading.
Because I’m sure I’ve said it.
I’m as sure as I was 15 years ago.
Lost.
Because you don’t get custody after biting someone on the face.
And I don’t get answers.
I don’t get an apology.
Even after 15 years.
I’m still dealing with your ghost.