I let my ego take control

I let my ego take control

I lost myself but didn’t know

who or why or where to go

when I let my ego take control.

I let my ego take control

my face it turned white as a ghost

both fear and faith live in limbo

when I let my ego take control.

I let my ego take control

seconds split in vertigo

but quick as silver there it goes

only a house, never a home

when I let my ego take control.

your ghost I implore.

I don’t want any trouble

still you give me double

alone in this bubble

which I can’t ignore.

The trail is subtle

some bread crumbs and rubble

your sinister cuddle

remembering more.

Traumatically speaking

I guess that we’re even

transfixed in this feeling

of which I abhor.

But I found this Agate

it’s my force of habit

to deal all this crap with

your ghost I implore.

Relieve me this burden

there I’ll know for certain

whose shadow is flirting

from under the door.

For years I’ve been knocking

from inside this coffin

perhaps I’ll find out when

I dwell nevermore.

Though we both know

we’re bound evermore.

I’m still dealing with your ghost.

Please stop reading if you’ve heard this before.

It’s been 15 years since.

And I’m still holding onto a ghost.

15 god damn years.

And I’m still crying in a coffee shop.

I wasn’t even 15.

And you sure as hell weren’t a Boy Scout,

so who tied the noose?

I want to know what type of knot you used.

It’s been 15 years.

And I want answers.

Answers that I’ll never receive.

I want an apology.

You son-of-a-bitch.

How embarrassed you must have been.

I wasn’t even 15.

And they don’t even know the half of it.

And here I am again.

Wasting my energy on this endless sadness.

Because you couldn’t hack it.

Towards the end they say you were over medicated.

Well it’s been 15 years.

And it’s probably the reason I don’t even like to take aspirin.

It’s just that over 15 years it’s been hard to explain.

Like when you come right out and say it.

He.  Committed.  Suicide.

Kids used to awkwardly laugh at first and then realize I wasn’t lying.

And suddenly everyone’s sorry.

Suddenly I have to act sad.

Or act like it’s fine.

Nobody wants to see you break down in front of them.

Nobody wants to know your whole life story.

15 god damn years and I’m blubbering like a baby.

Screaming at the top of my lungs – drunk.

So if you’ve heard this before please stop reading.

Because I’m sure I’ve said it.

I’m as sure as I was 15 years ago.

Lost.

Because you don’t get custody after biting someone on the face.

And I don’t get answers.

I don’t get an apology.

Even after 15 years.

I’m still dealing with your ghost.