It wasn’t ever fun
Even when it lasted
There was always hidden
A motive and agenda
Something I couldn’t figure from afar—
I needed microscopic certainty
That I’d have to disappear
In order to remember—
For them to forget—
That either of us had ever existed
For some reason, people
just keep on sticking around—
no matter how I push them away.
And God knows I’ve tried, yet
still as the evening air
they remain, willing and shifty
to see me from my darkness
onward, till dawn.
Let’s make this hard demeanor
seem effortless as clothes,
worn to keep you even
keeled, careful and alone, but
we’re not an island, flower petal
rock or sinking stone,
he’ll take the time, reverse the crime
and kill me in plain clothes.
It is as cold
as a steel locket,
two chains from a collar,
white as bone, worn
from the hours, of nuance
carefully placed by the bedside,
waiting to be opened
polished and willing
as obligatory as peace
before, the inevitable dawn
which beckons us to
repeat, our autumnal fall
from the burdens we carry.
Did you know that feeling weird
suggests something supernatural or uncanny
and that feeling this way,
unsettled and mysterious to even yourself
is an extraordinary occasion for
growth and development?
Well it is, and for that, I applaud you
on this ability of estrangement
we so often take for granted, though I
take as a blessing, because you are a blessing.
Call me crystal and I’ll make this clear
The world’s your oyster, won’t you be a dear?
Remember us, when you’re famous
Such a dangerous manifestation
Bite the bullet trigger happy kid
They said break a leg behind closed eyelids
Opportunity, don’t blow it
You’re a shooting star, now show it
Call me Ishmael cause I am drowning quick
Wailing never got you through the thick
What more could we ask for?
Through closed doors
Another kid’s born in the grave
By the third day he’ll be saved
Another wick is burnt too late
Just one more spirit and you’ll feel great
Wipe the Chalice, next in line to drink
Every word has meaning, child
who’s never’d time to blink
Never had a bad intention
I just always made some bad decisions
that usually got way out of hand
and discredited my good intent
though looking a bit harder now
I guess I was just angry and confused
and figuring it out the best I knew how
given time, place, and circumstance
I mean I was just 16 then 19 — 23 then 25
now 31 doesn’t feel so old, in fact
I feel much younger than my former self
ready to dive back into that season of change.
like a goldfish in their bowl
you don’t ever get to leave
staying where they keep you
what a pity or relief?
hell I don’t know the difference
between seeing and belief
but that fishbowl you’ve been swimming
looks far too small for me.
so if you’ve thought what I am saying
half a dozen times
your chances of remembering
are just as good as mine.
like a goldfish in their bowl
I don’t ever get to leave
still I keep on swimming circles
headed for the sea.
We spoke a lot out there about how different folks live their lives,
about the idea of success and what it really means to feel comfortable in circumstance,
about family and virtue,
giving back and taking more consciously.
We say the things up there
on the mountaintop,
which are hard to say among the crowds and noise of the working world’s downturned head,
but no less we come back down renewed.