Home » Posts tagged 'fear' (Page 7)
I let my ego take control
I lost myself but didn’t know
who or why or where to go
when I let my ego take control.
I let my ego take control
my face it turned white as a ghost
both fear and faith live in limbo
when I let my ego take control.
I let my ego take control
seconds split in vertigo
but quick as silver there it goes
only a house, never a home
when I let my ego take control.
In the house I keep each wall shall be
A coloring book for poetry
Where colors burst in harmony
Where war and peace succumb to paint.
In the house I keep each window sill
Shall only bear the daylight spill
Where succulents hang with free will
Where laughter’s never faint.
In the house I keep each lock will turn
With open ended thoughts to churn
Where no one line deserves to burn
Where honesty is quaint.
But when fear knocks in the house I keep
There will be no reason for which to weep
My hands dipped well within relief
Each wall we’ll finger paint.
In the house I keep my only wish
To deserve and serve this simple dish
Where forks and knives grow strong and rich
Where no wall goes untouched.
How curious it is that I
no longer beg or question why
but rather like the naked eye
accepts the sky is blue—
with honesty and strength that I’ve
been granted through these tales of time
woven as one as you are I
accepts the ancient truth,
for like the moon and sun decide
to shed or shield eternal light
with arms spread thin wide opened eye
keep mine closed now to see,
what beauty lies beyond the pine
is neither up to you nor I
it’s always been like time gone by
regardless of the proof—
in truth it’s curious that I
could feel so pure estranged from life
whose meadow in the golden light
is heaven here on earth.
I spared him a quarter
alone where he stood
next to the Madonna
as if she’d do him good.
He gave me a blessing
gentle and aware
the wind it was violent
messing both our hair.
While Girl Scouts are selling
cookies for the troop
a week ago maybe
someone died on that stoop.
But don’t tell their mothers
as if they would care
no you don’t get the badge unless
you’ve sold your soul there.
My eyes they grow weary
still I can’t look away
at the hummingbird dancing
a loneliness grave,
still I’ve got this feeling
that there’s no escape
am I ok to drive? I guess or else just look away.
Am I ok to drive? I guess, if not well either way.
At the cafe I buy coffee
either iced or cold brew
the barista he tells me
nothing’s ever new.
But still I ask questions
like how do you do
and she recalls my name
it’s the least she could do.
I don’t mean to sound faithless
I’ve just seen enough kicks
see the old man he died, well
some things never make sense.
It’s slight of the hand, it’s
a scam with three cups
you follow the ball then
it’s gone where it was.
My eyes they burn red with
the heat of the day
it’s winter in Burbank
what more can I say,
still I’ve got this feeling
that there’s no escape
am I ok to drive? I guess or else just look away.
Am I ok to drive? I guess, if not well either way.
Now I take to the bar, where
Happy Hour’s till 6
Scott the tender he knows me
pours my whiskey then gin.
What’s the good word? Pal, tell me
do you think that you could
spare me knowledge like change would
do me some type of good.
I don’t stay past the hour
happiness never lasts
after shame there comes flowers
then of course there’s the past.
You’re a good guy he tells me
see the pain never lasts
I assure you it does, Scott
he just nods then he laughs.
See there’s beauty in living
it’s just hidden by stars
who illuminate sidewalks
like two subtle hearts,
still I’ve got this feeling
that there’s no escape
it’s an obvious cycle, one I’ll never break.(?)
Am I ok to drive? I guess or else just look away.
Am I ok to drive? I guess, if not well either way.
It took losing
everything,
to come to the conclusion
that I am an illusion
and we’ve always had
— from the beginning —
everything
to gain.
All this life it seems I’ve been running away
Thought I could turn it off
Pour me a cheap escape
Fine tune this sort of self therapy
It never goes away for long
An undying mother’s love
Nursed me warm when I was not
At 13 I learned a lot
To have and to have not
Yet still I’m dreaming of
His wake —
I tried to look into the psychic’s eye
Try to figure out what’s going on inside
He sold me fame and fortune, it’ll be alright
Still I wound up bound and down
Screaming never made a sound
I feel freedom in the clouds
A kiss really meant help me out
Some fell in love and some fell down
But I’m not looking for that now
Another needle in the crowd
Another burden, a life
released —
I had a girl you see, she was better than not
She gave me all she could in a parking lot
I forced myself to try but it was never enough
Yellow light flickered around
We were kids no one talked about
An endless stream of aimless doubt
Like a weight dragging me down
When all I wanted was an out
She burned quickly then burnt out
But she was pretty
I was lucky, she was free —
Daylight savings time in another month
I’ve been killing time since I was young
Never quite so sure who I was or what
he meant by get away from me
Or rather feeling the relief
His coarse beard upon my cheek
In the mirror what I see
Sometimes it isn’t me
I try my hardest to believe
A half hearted destiny
There’s a reason or a message
To be —
I turn myself around, spin it upside down
Try to feel awake the best I know how
Still that echo rings in one ear then out
This haunting jealousy
For everyone who isn’t me
For everyone I long to see
I keep them safe within a dream
Scrubbing never kept them clean
My hands is what I mean
Everyday is Halloween
Except I can’t wear my mask
and see —
So I’mma take a walk, drown myself in thought
kick rocks until I figure out the plot
I’ve held this silver plate as long as I can take
It never helped me in the end
I’d have to die to make amends
Till then I’ll cheers to friends
A forced smile helps you fit in
Sometimes it’s better to pretend
We don’t break until we bend
His choice is my defense
For choosing, to live
The end.
I recall the calm
as I recall the storm.
Lead foot hesitation,
the slamming of doors.
Endangered are many
who’ve less stayed for more.
Excuses are fatal,
not ours anymore.
See I recall quiet
death and coffin smell,
his mustache, beard shaven
estranged from the crowd.
Was I the unwelcome?
The burden? Expelled?
His name once my keeper
I’ve written it well.
Yes I recall freedom
wished upon a star,
a second floor window
alone in the dark.
The price no one bargained
unimaginably hard,
his soul like a raven
still blackens my heart.
A kid and a coffin
for now I recall,
the parlor room floor
dead silence in awe.
While tears spill to carpet
and jittering jaw,
echoed through the parlor
with no sign of God.
I recall the calm
the storm never ends,
it grows like a Cancer
bad thoughts fill my head.
His final farewell
is my cross to bear,
how no son of mine
shall feel such fear.
Their love before friends
as it always begins
then the world spun round
again and again.
Friends for the last
few phases of moon
the universe beckons
neither one to choose.
Spoken rather wisely
alone though in tune
while the world spun again
with nothing to lose.
Eyes look to the West
in Africa too
Eyes look to the East
this Hollywood noon.
There’s nothing to pardon
and no more to do
angelic they parted —
two drifters anew.
Got up this morning ahead of my time
shook fear from my hair and tears from my eyes
took to the mirror and spoke to this guy
who said he knew me from before —
it’s there that he unlocked the door.
He gave me a sunrise he gave me his hand
he told me a secret I could understand
life isn’t a journey or destination
it’s your choice to choose to buy in —
for me it’s better not to win.
So I sharpened my memory and tore out his tongue
recycled the organ from which I’d dislodged
filled it with the secret and sealed it shut
if X marks the spot then I’m fine —
love’s just footnotes in nursery rhyme.
Connecting the dots which soon filled my head
aligned with ideas I spoke with each step
life ain’t no cake walk or deal with respect
it’s your throat or mine well of course —
I’d take mine to spare you the course.
It’s kill or be killed so I’m on my knees
no fear any longer just tranquility
it’s obvious ain’t it half hearted pity
runs deep like the roots of despair —
no one’s got the cure or should dare.
So with that in mind one swift hit should do
a hole in the head hell it ain’t nothing new
I was head over heals now I’m sinking through
the clouds which look soft from afar —
at the end of this there’s only dark.
With all things considered it’s lovely I guess
like spilled paint confetti this hole in my chest
I’ve dug it before since third grade I guess
my actions speak louder than words —
it’s all been a blessing and curse.
Look at me lovely this here is I guess
a mixture of meanings which help to make sense
of the past which gave us nothing but suspense
with fearful longing and a mother’s defense.
Look at me lovely with eyes in full bloom
now imagine a child alone in his room
the covers are pulled tight warm as a womb
his head full of static his heart thumping doom.
Look at me lovely take into account
these present day feelings are years gone without
comfort or closure confused full of doubt
exchanged for composure now deep underground.
Look at me lovely two decades gone by
and please ask yourself to whom do you cry
an eye for an eye I used to imply
now I want nothing more than to sleep through night.
Look at me lovely with infinite jest
this smile is armor for that I confess
in daydreams I make up reasons quite complex
for nightmares which haunted that boy in his bed.
Look at me lovely it’s lovely in fact
walking down sidewalks avoiding the cracks
though sometimes it feels like breaking your back
the pain that defines us with love cannot last.
Look at me lovely with harlequin eyes
for we are not wells that dry up inside
and take with you this last line then decide
his failure’s your lesson, her nurture’s your pride.
Words Of An Average White Male 