Bliss

Don’t know how long I’ll be back,

but I am now. It’s like

waking in a movie theatre

while the credits roll and suddenly

everything and nothing’s changed.

You don’t know what everyone else saw

but you’ll take their word for it.

And with arms akimbo they just watch

you pocket your hands and head home.

So if I don’t see you today, then tomorrow

perhaps we’ll go swimming? And maybe

for just a while we can pretend

that I never left us in the first place,

and that this was all a dream, and that

starting over didn’t have to mean the end.

What is, and is not necessary—a dialogue.

Whatever’s in my head, is there because I put it there.

It’s there because I allow it to be.

Whatever’s in yours, is yours—I’ve no idea, nor should.

If you’re curious, you may ask and I may tell you whatever’s in my head.

I may not, though that is up to me, as it is equally up to you.

So if and when I seem distant, it’s only because I’m having an internal debate on which to share.

I’m deliberately choosing words which may or may not have an impact on your own definition of me—of you.

Whatever’s in my head may change, in fact, depending on your point of view, so tread however you will when speaking, knowing that—

Whatever’s in your head, is there because we put it there.

And we being a positive or a negative really doesn’t matter.

What matters is, matter of factly null and void, more likely because,

whatever’s in your head, is there because you put it there.

It’s there because it is, if it wasn’t then, well, we wouldn’t be having this discussion with ourselves to begin with.

See. When two people interact or share in a discussion, it’s not simply a yes or no dialogue.

It’s not simply an A and B conversation but rather an (A,(B)) + (C,(D)) process of beliefs which often can be tricky or seem unfair.

And the more you think about it, the less there is to say, because, more times than not it’s what we don’t say that often really matters.

Perhaps I haven’t found the correct words, or perhaps I’m overthinking, perhaps I’m just learning how to communicate all together on a daily.

It’s like casting a line of bate to water. If the intended fish decides to bite, then it’s fair game, but when the intended fish is forced to bite, which for lack of a better metaphor, one can’t exactly force a fish to bite, then there’s an unfair advantage.

The bate is not merely physical bate, but encompasses the mind from which it’s cast with hope, fear, and determination—etc and so on.

The fish may rationalize it’s right to choose feast or famine, ultimately accepting it’s fate regardless of the line cast, by choice of internal and external response, which leads me back to my original point being…

Whatever’s in my head, is there because I put it there.

It’s there because I’ve reserved a rationality for it, and, regardless of the outcome, it’s necessary solely to me.

Further more, what’s necessary to me—perhaps the real point here—is not, nor should be expected to be necessary to you.

Any questions?

A kick in the head!

I will always be curious

and allergic to cats.

Ain’t that a kick in the head!

Topanga Canyon sunlight

Topanga Canyon sunlight

falls gently on my head

The moon hangs in the distance

her eyes blue sky in bed

A squirrel’s picking berries

the tree of life is fed

It’s summer in the valley

there’s no more to be said

footnotes in nursery rhyme

Got up this morning ahead of my time

shook fear from my hair and tears from my eyes

took to the mirror and spoke to this guy

who said he knew me from before —

it’s there that he unlocked the door.

He gave me a sunrise he gave me his hand

he told me a secret I could understand

life isn’t a journey or destination

it’s your choice to choose to buy in —

for me it’s better not to win.

So I sharpened my memory and tore out his tongue

recycled the organ from which I’d dislodged

filled it with the secret and sealed it shut

if X marks the spot then I’m fine —

love’s just footnotes in nursery rhyme.

Connecting the dots which soon filled my head

aligned with ideas I spoke with each step

life ain’t no cake walk or deal with respect

it’s your throat or mine well of course —

I’d take mine to spare you the course.

It’s kill or be killed so I’m on my knees

no fear any longer just tranquility

it’s obvious ain’t it half hearted pity

runs deep like the roots of despair —

no one’s got the cure or should dare.

So with that in mind one swift hit should do

a hole in the head hell it ain’t nothing new

I was head over heals now I’m sinking through

the clouds which look soft from afar —

at the end of this there’s only dark.

With all things considered it’s lovely I guess

like spilled paint confetti this hole in my chest

I’ve dug it before since third grade I guess

my actions speak louder than words —

it’s all been a blessing and curse.

I’ll make it perhaps

The light in here is bad

The shadows hang their heads

I’m tired of this playlist

I’m tired of this bed

In sheets that are not mine

Busted strings don’t pass the time

The shadows hang their heads

In light of what they find

Am I really headed backwards?

Static fills my head

Am I really headed back there

Like I’m the walking dead

So I light the wick

And turn the page

Familiar is this pain

The light in here is fine

The shadows are just that

Perhaps I’m feeling better

Perhaps I’m coming back

Always and forever

Never fine

But

I’ll make it perhaps

I’d rather be shot dead.

I need someone

with gun in hand

cocked cold and ready

against my head

perhaps then

I’d have the reason

to finish this all red eh

I’ve lost interest

with no six gauge to my chest

fire crackers maybe

I’ve the strength to digest

Hell who am I kidding

I’m no good at roulette

but to settle for less, no

I’d rather be shot dead.

VHS

A boy, four walls, a television set

what else more can one expect

a restless head, and evenings spent

on worthless puzzles, and VHS

tapes I watched, rewound and played

late past midnight, mornings, days

in a vault of body, mind

all to merely pass the time,

how good it felt, at that first glance

to fade into title sequence

and what a time it was to be

by oneself in harmony

caricatures care not to judge,

or fight, or fuss, nor try to budge

a troubled boy in troubled times

when credits roll, press rewind

rewind…

rewind..

rewind.

If, but there is no if

I, but there is no I

Could, but there is no could

Go, but there is no go

Back, but there is no back

I think

I would

press

Eject

there is war in my heart

There’s a war in my heart

a war in my head

at night as I sleep

at war

in the bed

I’ve made

like the maid

towel swan, chocolates

convincing myself

that this war, it could end

if I only fought, as hard as my bite

perhaps than I could

sleep through the night

with or without, this war in my head

there is war in my heart

that will burn till I’m dead.