It took losing
everything,
to come to the conclusion
that I am an illusion
and we’ve always had
— from the beginning —
everything
to gain.
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Tag Archives: truth
Everyday is Halloween
All this life it seems I’ve been running away
Thought I could turn it off
Pour me a cheap escape
Fine tune this sort of self therapy
It never goes away for long
An undying mother’s love
Nursed me warm when I was not
At 13 I learned a lot
To have and to have not
Yet still I’m dreaming of
His wake —
I tried to look into the psychic’s eye
Try to figure out what’s going on inside
He sold me fame and fortune, it’ll be alright
Still I wound up bound and down
Screaming never made a sound
I feel freedom in the clouds
A kiss really meant help me out
Some fell in love and some fell down
But I’m not looking for that now
Another needle in the crowd
Another burden, a life
released —
I had a girl you see, she was better than not
She gave me all she could in a parking lot
I forced myself to try but it was never enough
Yellow light flickered around
We were kids no one talked about
An endless stream of aimless doubt
Like a weight dragging me down
When all I wanted was an out
She burned quickly then burnt out
But she was pretty
I was lucky, she was free —
Daylight savings time in another month
I’ve been killing time since I was young
Never quite so sure who I was or what
he meant by get away from me
Or rather feeling the relief
His coarse beard upon my cheek
In the mirror what I see
Sometimes it isn’t me
I try my hardest to believe
A half hearted destiny
There’s a reason or a message
To be —
I turn myself around, spin it upside down
Try to feel awake the best I know how
Still that echo rings in one ear then out
This haunting jealousy
For everyone who isn’t me
For everyone I long to see
I keep them safe within a dream
Scrubbing never kept them clean
My hands is what I mean
Everyday is Halloween
Except I can’t wear my mask
and see —
So I’mma take a walk, drown myself in thought
kick rocks until I figure out the plot
I’ve held this silver plate as long as I can take
It never helped me in the end
I’d have to die to make amends
Till then I’ll cheers to friends
A forced smile helps you fit in
Sometimes it’s better to pretend
We don’t break until we bend
His choice is my defense
For choosing, to live
The end.
beauty pinned in a box
Pour-pour-pour
until my memory flows
black with the silence
where nobody goes.
Just give me more-more-more
and no I don’t wanna talk
I don’t wanna turn back
like these hands on the clock.
There’s always something else
another book on the shelf
it’s either fact or fiction
neither one’s any help.
Cause really I’d rather not
and I can’t bear the thought
all these wheels turning
but mine never shut off.
They say to walk the walk
if you’re gonna talk
always hateful and violent
beauty pinned in a box.
They were such delicate wings
see that sweet little thing
that you nurse like a virus
that could never be me.
So I just pour-pour-pour
and I quit asking what for
everything for a reason
not all reason makes sense.
If I’m half truth and fake
how much more would it take
to convince you I’m bad news
I’m your biggest mistake.
So give me more-more-more
things eventually bore
and all this method acting’s
become more like a chore.
See there’s this figure eight
I’m ruled and can’t escape
like the number thirteen
I see all over the place.
I’ve learned it’s better to walk
for miles— comfort —in thought
leaving alone the people
happier when you’re not,
around like a clown
bringing everyone down
I’m not bitter I’m better
glad to sit this one out.
So just go-go-go
go-go-go-go-go
go-go-go-go-go-go-go
go-go-go-go-go.
two drifters anew
Their love before friends
as it always begins
then the world spun round
again and again.
Friends for the last
few phases of moon
the universe beckons
neither one to choose.
Spoken rather wisely
alone though in tune
while the world spun again
with nothing to lose.
Eyes look to the West
in Africa too
Eyes look to the East
this Hollywood noon.
There’s nothing to pardon
and no more to do
angelic they parted —
two drifters anew.
that old hotel
Each drive cross country
I’ve laughed, I have
Cried
Sang
Danced
Purged
Prayed
Lost and
Loved.
Etcetera,
etc…
So if you decide
to drive across state lines,
could you do me a solid?
Stop in Fayetteville.
See if that old hotel
is still standing,
the one I first told her I loved her,
—bedbugs and us—
before sleep took her away
and that cheap wine
nursed me tender
til morning’s
cruel light.
But how will you know
that old hotel? Well,
it’s just like all the rest now
I’m sure, remodeled to dust.
Another ghost among the many,
love’s whisper in the wind.
It’s all understandable. (for every no one who ever was)
To be honest
and be open
put yourself in
her hands like you’re a toy.
There’s a reason
for each season
pollen eaten
her wind cradles a boy.
They know nothing of us,
and we
know nothing of them.
We all
just sort of pretend.
We’re bitter still.
In the air there’s a bitter chill.
Like a car crash
I tell you that
it’s not too bad
we both just try not to stare.
In the glove box
there’s a snuff box
full of coupons
I keep in case that you cared.
The leaves on the ground,
remind me
how powerless that I am.
It’s natural to fall down,
we all
just sort of try to fit in.
Leave me alone, no don’t
leave me alone.
Memories fill my head
like waves
crashing down on the shore.
Just as soon as they hit
cast away
back to the ocean once more.
To be bitter
or be broken
understand that
this is for no one who ever was.
your ghost I implore.
I don’t want any trouble
still you give me double
alone in this bubble
which I can’t ignore.
The trail is subtle
some bread crumbs and rubble
your sinister cuddle
remembering more.
Traumatically speaking
I guess that we’re even
transfixed in this feeling
of which I abhor.
But I found this Agate
it’s my force of habit
to deal all this crap with
your ghost I implore.
Relieve me this burden
there I’ll know for certain
whose shadow is flirting
from under the door.
For years I’ve been knocking
from inside this coffin
perhaps I’ll find out when
I dwell nevermore.
Though we both know
we’re bound evermore.
everything is
nothing new
nothing old
everything is
Look at me lovely
Look at me lovely this here is I guess
a mixture of meanings which help to make sense
of the past which gave us nothing but suspense
with fearful longing and a mother’s defense.
Look at me lovely with eyes in full bloom
now imagine a child alone in his room
the covers are pulled tight warm as a womb
his head full of static his heart thumping doom.
Look at me lovely take into account
these present day feelings are years gone without
comfort or closure confused full of doubt
exchanged for composure now deep underground.
Look at me lovely two decades gone by
and please ask yourself to whom do you cry
an eye for an eye I used to imply
now I want nothing more than to sleep through night.
Look at me lovely with infinite jest
this smile is armor for that I confess
in daydreams I make up reasons quite complex
for nightmares which haunted that boy in his bed.
Look at me lovely it’s lovely in fact
walking down sidewalks avoiding the cracks
though sometimes it feels like breaking your back
the pain that defines us with love cannot last.
Look at me lovely with harlequin eyes
for we are not wells that dry up inside
and take with you this last line then decide
his failure’s your lesson, her nurture’s your pride.
Pull another Death card
I have no business
I’ve made that quite clear
But I’m still wondering
What lies beyond here
This bottle I’ve found
Is filled to the brim
With messages signed
In blood red penmanship.
The city wakes up
I open my eyes
These walls are filled with
Unsealed goodbyes
This letter I’ve got
Return to sender
I’ve not the courage
Or will to send her.
It’s 3 o’clock in
The fucking morning
These panic headaches
Come without warning
Now I just want sleep
No sleeping beauty
So when I lie down
Please keep my casket closed.
No kiss
Is worth
A thousand words
I know
So spare me the ritual.
This blind ambition
That I know so well
It’s superstition
Like Heaven and Hell
Now where’s that locket
The one I gave her
It felt so pure then
Like the last savior.
No one is perfect
I’ve made that quite clear
Still all this nonsense
Makes sense in the mirror
And when I throw up
It’s all of my fears
God had to go up
For us to burn down here.
So take this end and
Tie it to that beam
I weigh less than him
So it should hold me
And when I wake up
This’ll all be over
Pull another Death card
Rebirth and closure.
Nobody
Gets out
Of this place
Alive
Just promise me you’ll try.
Words Of An Average White Male 