Everyday is Halloween

All this life it seems I’ve been running away

Thought I could turn it off

Pour me a cheap escape

Fine tune this sort of self therapy

It never goes away for long

An undying mother’s love

Nursed me warm when I was not

At 13 I learned a lot

To have and to have not

Yet still I’m dreaming of

His wake —

I tried to look into the psychic’s eye

Try to figure out what’s going on inside

He sold me fame and fortune, it’ll be alright

Still I wound up bound and down

Screaming never made a sound

I feel freedom in the clouds

A kiss really meant help me out

Some fell in love and some fell down

But I’m not looking for that now

Another needle in the crowd

Another burden, a life

released —

I had a girl you see, she was better than not

She gave me all she could in a parking lot

I forced myself to try but it was never enough

Yellow light flickered around

We were kids no one talked about

An endless stream of aimless doubt

Like a weight dragging me down

When all I wanted was an out

She burned quickly then burnt out

But she was pretty

I was lucky, she was free —

Daylight savings time in another month

I’ve been killing time since I was young

Never quite so sure who I was or what

he meant by get away from me

Or rather feeling the relief

His coarse beard upon my cheek

In the mirror what I see

Sometimes it isn’t me

I try my hardest to believe

A half hearted destiny

There’s a reason or a message

To be —

I turn myself around, spin it upside down

Try to feel awake the best I know how

Still that echo rings in one ear then out

This haunting jealousy

For everyone who isn’t me

For everyone I long to see

I keep them safe within a dream

Scrubbing never kept them clean

My hands is what I mean

Everyday is Halloween

Except I can’t wear my mask

and see —

So I’mma take a walk, drown myself in thought

kick rocks until I figure out the plot

I’ve held this silver plate as long as I can take

It never helped me in the end

I’d have to die to make amends

Till then I’ll cheers to friends

A forced smile helps you fit in

Sometimes it’s better to pretend

We don’t break until we bend

His choice is my defense

For choosing, to live

The end.

beauty pinned in a box

Pour-pour-pour

until my memory flows

black with the silence

where nobody goes.

Just give me more-more-more

and no I don’t wanna talk

I don’t wanna turn back

like these hands on the clock.

There’s always something else

another book on the shelf

it’s either fact or fiction

neither one’s any help.

Cause really I’d rather not

and I can’t bear the thought

all these wheels turning

but mine never shut off.

They say to walk the walk

if you’re gonna talk

always hateful and violent

beauty pinned in a box.

They were such delicate wings

see that sweet little thing

that you nurse like a virus

that could never be me.

So I just pour-pour-pour

and I quit asking what for

everything for a reason

not all reason makes sense.

If I’m half truth and fake

how much more would it take

to convince you I’m bad news

I’m your biggest mistake.

So give me more-more-more

things eventually bore

and all this method acting’s

become more like a chore.

See there’s this figure eight

I’m ruled and can’t escape

like the number thirteen

I see all over the place.

I’ve learned it’s better to walk

for miles— comfort —in thought

leaving alone the people

happier when you’re not,

around like a clown

bringing everyone down

I’m not bitter I’m better

glad to sit this one out.

So just go-go-go

go-go-go-go-go

go-go-go-go-go-go-go

go-go-go-go-go.

two drifters anew

Their love before friends

as it always begins

then the world spun round

again and again.

Friends for the last

few phases of moon

the universe beckons

neither one to choose.

Spoken rather wisely

alone though in tune

while the world spun again

with nothing to lose.

Eyes look to the West

in Africa too

Eyes look to the East

this Hollywood noon.

There’s nothing to pardon

and no more to do

angelic they parted —

two drifters anew.

that old hotel

Each drive cross country

I’ve laughed, I have

Cried

Sang

Danced

Purged

Prayed

Lost and

Loved.

Etcetera,

etc…

So if you decide

to drive across state lines,

could you do me a solid?

Stop in Fayetteville.

See if that old hotel

is still standing,

the one I first told her I loved her,

—bedbugs and us—

before sleep took her away

and that cheap wine

nursed me tender

til morning’s

cruel light.

But how will you know

that old hotel? Well,

it’s just like all the rest now

I’m sure, remodeled to dust.

Another ghost among the many,

love’s whisper in the wind.

Goodbye.

I’ve always kind of been saying goodbye.

Even when I’ve said hello.

I’ve always meant,

Goodbye.

It’s all understandable. (for every no one who ever was)

To be honest

and be open

put yourself in

her hands like you’re a toy.

There’s a reason

for each season

pollen eaten

her wind cradles a boy.

They know nothing of us,

and we

know nothing of them.

We all

just sort of pretend.

We’re bitter still.

In the air there’s a bitter chill.

Like a car crash

I tell you that

it’s not too bad

we both just try not to stare.

In the glove box

there’s a snuff box

full of coupons

I keep in case that you cared.

The leaves on the ground,

remind me

how powerless that I am.

It’s natural to fall down,

we all

just sort of try to fit in.

Leave me alone, no don’t

leave me alone.

Memories fill my head

like waves

crashing down on the shore.

Just as soon as they hit

cast away

back to the ocean once more.

To be bitter

or be broken

understand that

this is for no one who ever was.

your ghost I implore.

I don’t want any trouble

still you give me double

alone in this bubble

which I can’t ignore.

The trail is subtle

some bread crumbs and rubble

your sinister cuddle

remembering more.

Traumatically speaking

I guess that we’re even

transfixed in this feeling

of which I abhor.

But I found this Agate

it’s my force of habit

to deal all this crap with

your ghost I implore.

Relieve me this burden

there I’ll know for certain

whose shadow is flirting

from under the door.

For years I’ve been knocking

from inside this coffin

perhaps I’ll find out when

I dwell nevermore.

Though we both know

we’re bound evermore.

footnotes in nursery rhyme

Got up this morning ahead of my time

shook fear from my hair and tears from my eyes

took to the mirror and spoke to this guy

who said he knew me from before —

it’s there that he unlocked the door.

He gave me a sunrise he gave me his hand

he told me a secret I could understand

life isn’t a journey or destination

it’s your choice to choose to buy in —

for me it’s better not to win.

So I sharpened my memory and tore out his tongue

recycled the organ from which I’d dislodged

filled it with the secret and sealed it shut

if X marks the spot then I’m fine —

love’s just footnotes in nursery rhyme.

Connecting the dots which soon filled my head

aligned with ideas I spoke with each step

life ain’t no cake walk or deal with respect

it’s your throat or mine well of course —

I’d take mine to spare you the course.

It’s kill or be killed so I’m on my knees

no fear any longer just tranquility

it’s obvious ain’t it half hearted pity

runs deep like the roots of despair —

no one’s got the cure or should dare.

So with that in mind one swift hit should do

a hole in the head hell it ain’t nothing new

I was head over heals now I’m sinking through

the clouds which look soft from afar —

at the end of this there’s only dark.

With all things considered it’s lovely I guess

like spilled paint confetti this hole in my chest

I’ve dug it before since third grade I guess

my actions speak louder than words —

it’s all been a blessing and curse.

everything is

nothing new

nothing old

everything is

untitled

I often wish

we’d create more.

Other times

I just aim

to quit all that

bullying.

Mostly

we fade to black.